A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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