Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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