It's a beautiful day for a hangover
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
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We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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