yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
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Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
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The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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