btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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