i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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