I'm laying in your front yard are you home
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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