I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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