Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
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He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
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TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos