why didn't you poke me back
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
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I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
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Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.