I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
