4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
