We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
