Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
