Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
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Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
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I have feelings that need drinking.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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