I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
