I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
