weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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