he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm sobbing to NWA
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
