Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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