i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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