this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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