I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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