i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
