Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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