Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
