Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
