that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
