even my farts smell like vagina
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
