I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
