I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
