Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
