If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Farmville is her only friend.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?