im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
