thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
The 19 Creepiest Missing Person Cases
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
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