he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
