You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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