If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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