I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
