Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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