so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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