More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
