We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
