she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
