dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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