last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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