so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
