she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
