God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
