Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
