he wants to bone in the snuggie
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
