i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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