so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Randomize
