Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
you had me at cake vodka
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
