I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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