Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
