my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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