She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
