I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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